If you are being lied to, what are you supposed to do? What about when you are not exactly sure that you are being lied to, but things are just not adding up? This post is about coming clean with yourself and moving forward to a happier and healthier relationship.
Most People In An Intimate Relationship Can Look Past A Lie
Looking back on the relationship, it is very clear that you were being lied to, but in the relationship it is very hard to admit.
When we know that our partner is telling a lie, we can easily excuse it or minimize it. Why? Most of us don’t distrust our partner enough to allow the lie to affect our relationship in a big way. If it were a stranger, we would react in a completely different way – but our emotions and connection to our partner causes us to react differently when they lie.
I had one boyfriend who lied to me about where his money was going. Large sums of money were disappearing, not only from his bank account, but from mine as well. If he would have been a stranger (or a friends boyfriend), I would have been able to admit to myself that something shady was going on, and it wasn’t good. But, because I loved him and wanted to trust him, I kept letting the lies go. One time my money disappeared and I got really angry and begged him to tell me the truth. So, he told me was that he was giving the money to his brother to hold onto so that he could buy me a ring. I didn’t really believe him, but somehow I convinced myself that it could be true (even though deep down I knew it wasn’t) and I let the lie go – again. I found out later that he was buying drugs with the money, which in hindsight is pretty obvious.
There is an extra sense of trust that comes from being in a relationship with someone. We don’t expect them to hurt us (or we would not get into a relationship with them) so we let go of obvious lies and tell ourselves that everything is okay.
In short, we lie to ourselves.
Eventually You Have To Be Honest With Yourself
Some people will start being honest with themselves before they actually find solid, concrete proof of the lie. But even if that doesn’t happen, eventually the lie becomes so obvious that you cannot deny it anymore. It hits you hard, and you are forced to deal with the lie, which is the best thing you can do for your happiness and health.
If you want…
- You can let it go when they promise never to lie to you again.
- You can scream at them and let them know how much you hate them for lying.
- You can threaten to leave them until they beg for your forgiveness.
- You can ignore what they say and continue on in your relationship pretending that everything is okay.
But if you don’t face the lie head on and deal with it, then you will be in this situation again very soon. And, like me, you will wonder why they are still lying to you after all the promises they made and all you have put up with.
In my case, my boyfriend eventually admitted he was buying drugs. I thought the lies were over and I congratulated myself for being such a loving and compassionate girlfriend – one that he could open up to. We found help for his addiction and he seemed to be doing well, and then months later I found out that he was still doing drugs! Turns out he told me the truth so that he could appear as if he cared enough about me to be honest. That gave him some time to continue doing what he wanted without question. Again my instinct told me something was still off, but I obviously chose to turn a blind eye to the situation and pretend that everything was okay. That ‘blind eye’ didn’t work out to well and I ended up dating a man who lied to me for 6 more months before I finally ended it.
Admit It: You Are Being Lied To
If you want to be happier in the relationship, then you have to admit that you are being lied to. You have to also find out what that lie is and why the person is choosing to lie to you. If you can’t, then you should not stay in a relationship where you don’t know exactly what is going on.
People lie for various reasons. Sometimes they lie because they have an addiction and don’t want to admit it. Sometimes they lie because they are betraying your trust and they don’t want to get caught. Other times they lie because they don’t want you to get angry with them or be hurt by their actions. Other times they lie because they want to appear a certain way to you.
You won’t know the truth until you catch them in the lie or hear it straight from their mouth, but if you listen to your gut, you will know that your partner is not treating you the way you should be treated, and that is not okay.
The Main Thing To Remember About Their Lies…
If you let the lie slide, then that issue will still be there in their life and in yours. They will not have dealt with it, and you will be faced with the lie over and over again until you deal with it.
When there are no consequences to their lie, they will not feel the need to stop. If you think your love is enough, think again. If their feeling of love towards you, or your love towards them, was enough to make them stop, they would have done it by now.
In the end, if you are being lied to, even if it is small lies, then that is not okay. Your inner self knows that you are not being treated fairly, and that can cause stress on you and your relationship.
Find out the truth and deal with it or distance yourself from someone who cannot respect you enough to tell you the truth.